My aunt is dying. The one that I hated for so long. I don't know what to think or how to feel... or even why I'm sitting here crying about it. It's finally over. I'm not going to have to deal with that hatred anymore.

But... but she's dying. Pretty soon, she's going to be buried, and there will be a funeral. And every single thing that's ever happened... it won't matter anymore.

It won't matter that I'm hurt. It won't matter that she suffered. It won't matter that she gave us a place when no one else would. None of it will have any bearing on anything.

I talked to a friend of mine about not knowing how to feel and he told me that who I am matters more than who she is in this instance. He said a whole bunch else that I understood but am too lazy to put into words here.

But the fact is... I don't know what to do, what to think, how to feel... I'm not... I guess I don't want to deal with it, but I'm going to have to.