Lies
December 3, 2009
My life is built on lies. So many lies, I don't know what's completely truth anymore. I don't know what's real, what's just in my head, and what's completely and utterly fake. I think I might be crazy too. I'm certainly not entirely sane. I say I believe in things that I don't really believe in, another one of those lies, yet a part of me is convinced and hopes that they're real. The human mind has to believe in something, otherwise it'll go crazy.
Or so I assume. I don't know if that's entirely true, either. I just made it up, an educated guess, at a stretch. I suppose. I assume. Gah, I don't really know.
I'm also a coward and a clutz. And a rather bad person. I manipulate (or try to) and am selfish. I am more bothered by humanity as a whole than I take the time to appreciate it. I'd much rather stay in a world of my own conjuring than something that's real and tangible. But I'll never tell anyone this. Never. Because I want to appear to have a bit of a heart.
Whenever I tell someone (this has only happened once, mind you), I watch as their eyes widen and horror sets in. They start to comprehend the monster that I hide. The creature of sin and human desire. But I'm too afraid most times to act on that desire. Good thing she was too drunk to remember it, though I know it's forever set in her subconscious now.
She doesn't trust me anymore. No one does. And at the same time, I'm too afraid of being cast out and forgotten, of becoming invisible and unwanted to tell them no when they shove their responsibilities and chores on me. I wonder if that is entirely a lie or not. The lies are too deep and numerous for me to know.
Am I really afraid of that? Yes. No. Maybe.
So I just smile. "Sure," I say, and smile fakely, trying to show the pain and sadness I'm pretending to hide badly.
If I wanted, I could hide it with a mask of emotionlessness, but since that scares her, I won't. Besides, this way gets me more attention.
"Thanks."
And I smile that fake smile, and laugh half-genuinely at the little bits of life I find amusing. Always in my head.
I think I might be crazy, too.
Or so I assume. I don't know if that's entirely true, either. I just made it up, an educated guess, at a stretch. I suppose. I assume. Gah, I don't really know.
I'm also a coward and a clutz. And a rather bad person. I manipulate (or try to) and am selfish. I am more bothered by humanity as a whole than I take the time to appreciate it. I'd much rather stay in a world of my own conjuring than something that's real and tangible. But I'll never tell anyone this. Never. Because I want to appear to have a bit of a heart.
Whenever I tell someone (this has only happened once, mind you), I watch as their eyes widen and horror sets in. They start to comprehend the monster that I hide. The creature of sin and human desire. But I'm too afraid most times to act on that desire. Good thing she was too drunk to remember it, though I know it's forever set in her subconscious now.
She doesn't trust me anymore. No one does. And at the same time, I'm too afraid of being cast out and forgotten, of becoming invisible and unwanted to tell them no when they shove their responsibilities and chores on me. I wonder if that is entirely a lie or not. The lies are too deep and numerous for me to know.
Am I really afraid of that? Yes. No. Maybe.
So I just smile. "Sure," I say, and smile fakely, trying to show the pain and sadness I'm pretending to hide badly.
If I wanted, I could hide it with a mask of emotionlessness, but since that scares her, I won't. Besides, this way gets me more attention.
"Thanks."
And I smile that fake smile, and laugh half-genuinely at the little bits of life I find amusing. Always in my head.
I think I might be crazy, too.
Posted by Ariel Flynn. Posted In : Diary
Age is 20, Birthday's October 3rd, I am 4'9" tall... have blue-grey eyes sometimes, and then blue-green the rest of the time. Hair: Naturally dishwater blonde, but I dye it constantly so it can be black, or red (or both), or blue, or green, or brown... there's no telling, really. My Hobbies are stalking Azhwi, writing fanfiction, doodling badly, socializing with the people that matter to me, rping.
Profession: Author (soon to be published).
Specialties: Stalking, cooking, writing, fangasming, laziness, cloud watching.
Fave Color: Neon/lime green, or any other shade of green.
And Etc: Uh... there's a lot. I have lobe piercings, and one set of cartilage piercings in my ears, my hair is VERY short atm, I wear glasses but that's okay cuz I'm hot anyway... what else... well, it'd be simpler for you to ask, so, go ahead.
