I do care about others though.  Some.  Not many, but a few.  My nieces and nephews.  My little brother.  To some extent, my sisters, but mostly only because I need their love in return to keep from going nuts more nuts, of course.  Mostly, that caring is thin.  I get just as annoyed by their interruptions of my world in my head as I do with everyone else.

I force myself to like pain.  It helps me deal with it a little easier, I think.  A trick of the mind, maybe.  If it's something -nice- then it's something I can deal with.

Have I ever mentioned that I'm a coward?  I hate it when people yell at me.  Sometimes I yell back, especially if I know they won't hurt me (despite saying they will).  Sometimes, someone yells at me and I cower.  At those times, all I can think about is my fear and not letting them know it, but I know they can tell.  I need practice.  My body shakes I hate it and I want to hide.  Afterwards, when they're gone, I do.  I like to hide in cramped, dark places.  Like closets and bathroom tubs while the light is off, or underneath the sink I'm still small enough to pull that off, it sorta sucks.  I know if I tried to characterize myself, I'd fall short and make myself better than I really am, because I don't want people to know what a monster I am.

Sometimes I think about killing this or that person.  I think if only I was armed when they accosted me, I'd hurt them that voice whispers in the back of my head that I won't, and I know I won't, so what's the point anyway?  I wanna be all bad and dangerous, but I'm nothing but a coward.  Not dangerous at all.

I've never snapped before.  Not really, but I wish.

I wish I could do something so scary that no one would ever bother me.  It'll just get me arrested, and I'm afraid of that too.

Some things I know, and then some things I don't.  I'm very indecisive.  I don't want to stand out but I want to be unique.  I want others to pity me.  I'm horrible.